Body Image

Last week, upon entering the Dr.'s office, I was led to the dreadful machine in the corner that tells me my weight.  As if in agony, I slowly stepped on and closed my eyes.  I hate this part, I hate feeling like no matter how healthy I eat or how often I am at the gym...this number never seems to reflect it.  But I looked...........265............gasp!  I must have been thinking about cupcakes and mentally gained a few extra pounds.  Now to be honest...I don't keep a lot of track of my weight.  In my blog from last year before my wedding "Puddles goes to Yoga" I kept track on inches.  I still check these numbers from time to time and thought I haven't seen a decrease....I haven't seen an increase either.

I have noticed that my middle is trimming and my butt is getting higher ( I say bigger, but my husband likes it).  I will always have larger legs and I am loving my running calves!  In all this, I have started to look at myself in the mirror every morning and REALLY see my body.  Yes, I don't like all of it, but I certainly don't hate it anymore either.  I am going to continue to work on loving myself and my body!

My concern is for my daughter, I don't want her to grow up with a Mom that is always down on herself about the way she looks.  I don't want her to learn negative body image from me!!!  She will have enough to deal with outside our home.  I want her to see a woman who is strong and happy and loves herself and her body.  Someone who eats healthy and takes time to enjoy excercise.  I don't want her to see someone who is upset and struggling to constantly lose weight and be some "better" version of herself. 

Good values and good self image start at home.  I saw my Mom struggle with her weight.  She worked very hard to change eating habits and work out.  And DAMN, she lost the weight and has really kept it off.  I am SO proud of her!  But what I realized recently is that my Mom looks great and still very much talks about disliking her body and her struggle with her weight.  To me and everyone else, she looks amazing!  I don't know why she can't see it, but I know I don't want to be that way.  I worried about my weight at a young age, I was naturally bigger (more voluptuous) than the other girls and I was very self concsious of it.  I took up smoking at 15 so I had something to do while other kids ate lunch.  I remember as a Junior in high school my lunch consisted of a cigarette, one stick of beef jerky and tomato juice....god forbid I touch pizza or anything like that.   But what I did in those years, ruined my metabolism later in life.

I need to make healthy choices for me, my family and our futures.  Part of that is being happy with me, even if my size never changes.  I can be healthy at any size!

Charmaine

A family affair

This past Saturday I participated in the local Hobo Day 5k, this was to be the BIG ONE for me but as my training has been slower than anticipated I was just happy to put another 5k under my belt toward my goal.

It just so happened that my Mom came to visit and wanted to participate in the 5k, but NO running.  She wanted to walk it.  The morning was cold, but as my Mom and I prepared to leave my two sons (ages 8.5 and 7) decided they wanted to come too.  I was so thrilled, I didn't care about running anymore :)  As we waited for the race to begin, my youngest son decided he wanted to stay back and watch with a few co-workers of mine.  I let him go (as I am sure it was because of my co-worker's cute red headed daughter that he wanted to stay....oh boy!)

We were ready!  My Mom, my son and I heard the horn and took off...we jogged the first block just to get momentum.  We then walked slowly being left behind the crowd.  We enjoyed a nice yet brisk walk in the cool (40 degree) morning air.  My legs hurt a little to start, but they always do when I am trying to run or walk on uneven terrain.  We listened to music and kept track of our time on my Nike+ GPS app.

I continued to check on my son and encourage his participation :)  I was a very proud Mother in this moment!  We rounded mile 1.....slowly saw mile 2 and we were making good time for walking!  The first 5k I did, attempting to jog a block/walk a block until I had to just walk, I finished in 55.02 and that was amazing.  I know that my overall pace has slowly increased with practice.  And as we came close to mile 3, I realized I could beat my last time if I could make it to the end in 10 minutes.  No problem.  We picked up our pace.  My son and I decided to leave Grandma walking and jog/walk the last 6 blocks.  We made our final turn and could see the clock counting down.  He took off, yelling "we can make it Mom..." and I wasn't about to let him down...so I took off after him.  I watched the clock as we came to the finish line....just barely.  I came in at 55.14......but considering we really walked the entire way exept that last bit, not too bad!  We walked my Mom across the line at 57 minutes and we all hugged.

So I didn't "run" the race, I completed the event with my family and now have even more support from them in my ongoing training!  And I told my son that we will beat that time next year and his smile was worth every ache!

Charmaine

Race Day Approaches

What a long and crazy summer!!!  I injured my knee with a patella tendon strain 3 weeks into my 5k training.  I had to take a few weeks off, get knee braces and start again slowly.....BUT I DID!   I have not yet finished the progam, but I continue to work at it.  I know have a gym membership and attempt to get there 2-3 nights a week after my daughter goes to bed.  This is a good thing for my relationship, as it gives me time to do something for my and my husband time to decompress with some Borderlands 2 or whatever he wants that evening.

The "BIG RACE" is this Saturday and I had every intention of running it to the best of my ability, but my Mother is coming to visit and she wants to walk it....I don't know if I want to just leave her behind.  She and I will have to discuss this, as I would like to see if I can better my time from my first run.

Either way, I am excited!  I am going to finish the 5k trainer and continue to train.  The goal is to run an "ENTIRE" 5k...so I have a ways to go, but I am enjoying the journey!

Charmaine

" WTF R U Doing?!"

I wrote in my last blog, that this was my mantra....well, I am taking it a step further.  Last year I put on the Body Indulgence party in December, leading up to it, I posted a positive body article, tip, etc. on Facebook the whole month of October.

This year I am registered to run a 5k in October, so I thought....why not get my friends to do this too!?  My mantra, is now a group slogan to encourage others to be Healthy At Every Size!

I am recruiting everyone I know to train the next 3 months and to walk or run in the October 5k with me :)  I plan to have the slogan produced on buttons for everyone to wear.  And a few of us, Joeybear and myself will have T-shirts made.

So...WTF R U DOING?

This was what I came up with for myself:

Here is my curvy body....dated photo, so we can see where I am after the October 5k.  In 3 weeks, my hips, thighs and butt are all more firm, lifted and smaller (I can tell just in how my jeans fit)

Looking forward to many more changes.

:)

Winning the race of ME

After one week (3 runs) post knee injury, I got a wild hair to run a 5k :)  I decided that in order to gauge myself I needed to have a baseline.  I had set a goal of doing the 8 week couch to 5k trainer and continue training until my registered 5k in October.  My goal for October was to finish in less than an hour.  How did I know if an hour was good?

I started 5k training the beginning of June with the mile average of 24. something minutes.  Using my Nike+ GPS, I started to keep a better track and could tell that my time was slowly dwindling down : )  PROGRESS!

So, I went to do the 2012 Beef & Eggs 5k in Brookings, SD. 

I got my number.  I stretched.  I got nervous.  Started my music. Lined up and went.  I tried to do what I have done in my 5k training program.  I walked the first 5 blocks fast and then jogged every other block for as long as I could and then walked some more.  When I hit my first mile..I was averaging  just oover 16 mins :)  It was long, I went through many emotions, but I was determined not to quit...I had to finish.

I did finish!  I was the last person to finish, but I came in at 55 minutes :)  5 minutes under my goal for October's race! I averaged just over 18 minutes a mile.  So, now I have 7 more weeks of 5k training and almost 3 months total to speed up, and try to reach my new goal for October of 40 minutes :) and jog the whole thing !!

I am so thankful for my family and friends for their support!  Especially my husband and his best friend, Joeybear.  I talk to Joeybear about running alot and when I complain about not being fast enough or thin enough, he encourages me with "WTF are YOU doing?" reminding me, that regardless I am doing it for me and doing more than others who might be haters!  I used that mantra my entire first 5k to keep me going, and took a picture of my sweaty post race ass print on the sidewalk so all the haters can kiss it ! : )

I plan to run my next 5k on August 4, 2012 to see what progress I can make.

There is not better rush, than winning a race with yourself!

Charmaine

Wild and Crazy Summer

So it has been a few weeks...these have been the weeks I have been layed up with a knee injury.  NO RUNNING, ugh...but then again it has been close to 100 degrees each day, so maybe I am not missing anything.

I finally have my knee brace for my right knee, left knee arrives next week.  My knee feels better, and I can start running a little bit again next week, but I have to wear the braces!!  I also need more calcium and some glucosamine, as the xray showed signs of early ostio-arthritis issues...for fucks sake already!!!  Grey hairs, lumpy body, bad knees...I am too young for this shit to start already!

Work has been chaos...this whole summer is a whirlwind, with no end in sight until Mid-September, but yet...so many fun adventures!  Next week my husband turns 28 and I am throughing him a "Harem Night" bash :)  The week after that, we have my brother wedding!...I am still super busy at work, then August 1 is my parent's 20th Anniversary.  Family camping in August.  Ren Fest and MN state fair in Sept and our HONEYMOON!

WOOT WOOT WOOT

I have so many details to write, with little to no time...but find me on Twitter: cupcakepuddles  , I like to tweet my little daily funnies :)

SMOOCHES!

My own submission

If you have been following me long, you know I am part of the BDSM lifestyle and love it.

Now, with that being said, I am mostly Dominant and only submit to my husband, whom I trust with everything....but even then, to this point I have chosen to submit.

This weekend, he took things up a notch to a point were I had not choice, I just did.  It was the most freeing experience of my BDSM life thus far.  He said all the right things, brought my body alive one small touch at a time and kept me tuned to his whim for hours.  MIND BLOWN!

Afterward, I was scared....I have never been pushed like that...but for him to hold me and tell me how beautiful I am to him...to feel his love and affection for giving myself to him in those ways....OMG...a dream come true!

As we polish out the details of our BDSM poly contact, and how brining in other play partners or potential lovers will effect us and our family we are growing stronger in our dynamics together and communication.  We aren't looking to be a full poly family!!  We don't plan to actually "date" others but we may have D/s relationships with other friends we are close with to make life more enjoyable when our children are safely with other family members for the evening.

WE protect our children with everything and that is what is important to us first and foremost.

heading into 5k week two

Last week I accomplished my 5k training with 4 runs :)  I thought day one was hard....on NO!!  Day 2 was awful, I was sore and the run was miserable, but I pushed through....barely, but I did it.  I did the workout #1 for run 1 and 2.  I thought I would do it again on run3, but increased to the workout #2 and was so happy I did.  I did it, still annoying shin splints a bit and well...no form :)  Then I did workout#3 on run 4....technically I am not counting day 1, as I did it by trial and then started a new 5k program and am spot on, everyother day running.

Today starts week2 of training (8 week program if done consistantly)...I will be happy if I am done in 12 weeks, I may have to do a few workouts more than once to feel I have accomplished it fully.  But still...I feel good after a run...not so much during, but I am told that gets better with time.

These first challenges you walk 5 minute warm up, then run 1 minute and walk 1.5 minutes for 6 times, then 5 minute cook down.

1 minute...never seemed so long at times....but here are the  reasons why I am running!

1 - for ME!
2- for my health
3- for my husband
4- for son #1
5-for son #2
6-for my daughter
7-for toned legs
8-to lose my post c-sections(3) belly
9-to prove I can
10-to feel alive

I think about how I will feel crossing my first 5k finish line...and keep going!

When I run, it is me and my head...a lot like yoga.  I am making my body prove to me that it can do these things.  I am rejoicing when it does and treating it better for working for me.

It is just me and the sidewalk/pavement.....I look to the next crack, rock, clump of dirt and run to it, then look to the next....GO GO GO!  I can do this :)

SOOO much this weekend - part 2 Running to and from

Another big step this weekend was that I went Shampoo free, using only baking soda and water on my hair.  I have Dr. Bronners coming to help the process, but I am attempting to go more natural and eco friendly.  My hair was fine after day one, but now on day 2....a bit greasy and not looking its best.  I am told to hang in there cause the first month can be rough.  Overall, I feel good about doing it.

and secondly, I took my first run!
Decided last week to register for my first 5k.  It will take place Oct. 27, 2012.  I paid my money, saw my Doctor to make sure I was healthy enough to do it.  Got the okay and bought running shoes the same day.  I ended up buying Asics.   Took them for a walk on Friday to break them in.  Downloaded 5k runner app (by couch to 5k) for my iphone and yesterday I took my first run.

This experience was hard, fun, wonderful, terrible, and emotional.

The 5 minute walking warm up was great.  I was stoked.  I was listening to my iphone music and the first song was "Videogames" by Lana Del Rey and she sang me through my warm up.

The last minute of my warm up "Sail" by Awolnation came on and it pumped me up for my very first run...I was ready, or so I thought.  I ran my first minute and thought....OH SHIT, do I really want to do this?  But I kept on, 1 minute running, 1.5 minutes walking (6 sets)....I cycled through music: "crystalize" by Lindsey Stirling, "The power is mine" by Lords of Acid....and on my last 1 minute run it was "Unbreakable" by Honor by August.....I gave it my everything and after that last minute run...........

I CRIED!  I smiled and cried.  I was proud of myself, I was amazed I could do it, I felt accomplished and as I cooled down to "Ever After" by Mariannas Trench....I realized that everyone of the songs had meaning to me in this journey.

I ran (jogged really) where I could be seen.  I have no form and probably looked ridiculous, but at least I was doing it.  If someone recognizes me and brings it up, I will proudly say I am training for my first 5k.

I did a cool down/stretching yoga and drank plenty of water.  I feel good today, a little sore, but after shooting big guns the day before...it all feels good.  I feel a different kind of ALIVE and I love it.

Today I rest, then run again Tuesday.  I am excited and hope to meet my goal !

Thanks to everyone who has encouraged me.  <3

SOOO much this weekend...part 1 - Shooting Shit

Many wonderful new experiences this weekend :)

First off, my first week of doing more of the sugar detox diet went well.  I significantly decreased my carbs and fat intake.  I did still enjoy some beer, but not sure if that is going to change, especially in the summer months.  I feel better and am really enjoying all the fresh vegetables in our diet now.  I drink water, black coffee, or an occasional beer....no soda.

Saturday I went to the "WITO" (Women in the outdoors) event near Volga, SD.  It was a great day and it gave women a chance to learn, ask questions and have some hands on help with many guns.

I shot the following:

Archery - this scared me the most for some reason, but it was like the yoga of weaponry!!  LOVED IT!

It took me awhile to pop my balloon and get a good grouping, but once I had the hang of it, it was proper body alignment and breathing that got me through.

I the worked my way to a 9mm, then 45mm, then a 22 revolver

Then I had some big boys :)
357 Magnum
44 Magnum....swoon!

I shot that target like I meant business, and it felt so good!

I then became aquainted with the shotguns and rifles.

20 gauge shotgun was a bit light for my liking. (pump action)
I really like the 12 gauge shotgun and Mossberg turkey gun!!!  I thought shooting stationary targets wasn't too bad, but shooting clays...no way!!!  BUT I HIT 3 of 7 thrown :)  I was told that was as good as most men !! YAY!!  I can't wait to go shooting with my husband!

But then.....they pulled out something and I was in lust at first sight.
AR 223/AR 15 and a Glock

I rocked the Glock....6 for 6 on the targets~!
Then I want to AR 15 sitting....not great but got the feel for it.
AR15 prone....6 for 6 at 100 yards!!

I then took that bad boy, stood and hit 5 for 6 standing :)  I am ready for the zombie apocolypse and loved every damn second of it!!


Overall this was an extradinary experience for my girlfriends and I.  WE are so excited to do it again, and I am hoping my husband and I can do more shooting together.  I am already looking at guns!  Fell for a AR15 set up to shoot .22 :)  in pink of couse.

Letting go, moving on, constant change = evolution

I feel like I am spring cleaning my mind, things are changing and I need to let go, move on and keep on keeping on.

I want to be a success in being a wife, mother, career woman, friend, etc.
I want to start my photography.
I want to finish my items for the Oct. fashion show
I want to be part of the Arts Council and volunteer with Habitat for Humanity
I want to do yoga and start running
I want to eat better and feel better
I want a social life outside of work
I want to do more with my husband
I want to take a honeymoon
I want to buy a house
I want to visit JTB in NYC!
I want to get my new passport
I want to go to Paris for work
I want to buy new clothes, shoes, undergarments (items that are my style)
I want to clean out the clutter in my life
I want to write a book or two
I want to find my sex goddess again
I want to keep up on my food blog



....well I want a lot...what am I going to do about it?

Tears and fears

Today my life changes.

That sounds so profound...but really our lives change everyday, with every choice we make.  But what makes today different, you ask?  Today my bestmate, JTB, and I have our last lunch date before he moves away to be a BIG CITY MAN. (New Jersey Gay Hipster)  I am so proud of him for following a dream and doing what he wants to do!  If I wasn't married with kids and a great career....you bet I would be going right along with him.

In our history together, he has a tendancy to leave me.    We met,  he invited me to a Halloween party, and left me for a boy....left me with a boy I didn't know, but an upstanding one so it was okay.  We fell in friendship and he left for the Navy....his life as a Gay Sailor was cut short and he returned to me.  He arrived on my 30th birthday and we picked right up in our whirlwind courtship where we had left off.  He convinced me to be his roommate, to move to a town an hour and a half away without a job...because "Brookings is better" he said.  And I did!  We went out for New Year's Eve....at 2 minutes to Midnight, "Don't stop believing" started to play at Skinners...he hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, wished me a happy new year and flew out the door to meet a boy.  And this has been our relationship...we are there for eachother, and he runs when he has too.  I do feel like the Dr's companion, I am always chasing after him and yet not.  He will always come back because he knows I love him for who he is, douche and all!

I have thought, cried, wrote and continue to write our adventures in my Dr. Who Journal he gave me as a wedding gift before he strapped on a bow tie and married my husband and I. 

I read once, that if you find a woman to shave your back, you have found your perfect woman....well, I did that for him 3 or 4 weeks after we met....so I guess, I am his perfect woman....or at least that is what I am going to let myself believe :)

I am going to miss him so very much!  His journey will now hold stories that I won't be in, and exciting times I wish I could share with him.  I hope to make a trip to see him so that our journey never ends!  We are companions, just looking for the Dr. in two places, in different times of our lives and I just hope we continue to meet over and over again!  I don't want to be forgotten anymore than he does.

I love you JTB!  Geronimo :)

50 shades....black and white

UGH.....So my husband has finished the 1st book in the 50 Shades of Grey series.  I feel that the underlying erotic romance of the book is eluding him.  He completely gets the "kinky fuckery", but he isn't understanding the actions/words leading up to this electric carnal need the Mr. Grey and Miss Steele have vibrating and crackling between them.  The way Mr. Grey devotes himself to her.  THe way she tenderly loves her man of few emotions.  (this is what gets us going guys!!!...the kinky fuckery is the cherry on top)

I have a big, strong, handsome, Dominant man of few emotions.  I wish sometimes that he had that electric carnal need of me - the way I feel for him.  And maybe he does, it just doesn't register for me as often as I like, but when it does....WOAH!  I can think of nothing and no one but him, our intimacy is enhanced, his every touch is enhanced 10x.  But when I am down or feel we are distant..that is when other thoughts run into my fantasy land. 

I am now also reading, The Nice Girls Guide to talking Dirty.  I think adding some more steam vocabulary to describe these fantasies of him and others will only help ramp up our sex drives!  And help clue him into what I think he is missing :)

To give him credit, he did say that it seemed like Mr. Grey loves Miss Steele, he just doesn't know how to show it....LOL

Oh my man!

Featured:

I am featured in a friend's blog, showing her fashions :)  This is the photo shoot post, there is also one for the runway show.

http://reinventingtheworldoffasion.blogspot.com/2012/02/my-little-cupcake-update.html

Watch for our future collaboration line of lingerie :)

She anticipated his arrival.........

......They had made plans to meet for lunch at 11:30.  He would pick her up.  She had texted him a few times to try and find out where they would eat, but he gave nothing away.  She continued to work, distracted by the clock in the lower right hand corner of her computer screen.  She was screaming on the inside for him to arrive already.   

Slowly the door opened, and there he was all shining blue eyes and smiles.  That deviant little quirk on his lips and her breath hitched in response.  As he sauntered to her desk, she saw fabric in his hands.  "Here, put this on" he said with a smile.  As she held up the fabric, it was a clingy shift dress with a pattern of black and shades of grey.  "Now?" she asked.  "Are you here alone today?" He responded.  She nodded her head, "then yes, Now...in there" as he pointed to the conference room across the hall.  She slowly stood and started for the conference room.  She was anxious, but she was alone.  No one was in the office, she wouldn't be caught, it was okay.  As she went to close the door, he grabbed it and walked in behind her. GULP, ok now she was nervous.  He stood so close, she could feel the heat radiate from his skin.  He slowly ran his fingers up her exposed arm and she shivered.  "I want to see you in that new dress" he said softly in her ear.  Her blood was boiling in an instant.  She slowly pulled the old dress she was wearing up over her head.  "mmmmm' escaped his lips as his hand ran over the smooth black satin of her panties.   She shivered again, her body heating too fast to regulate.  Suddenly his hand was in her hair, his lips so close to her ear "I would love to take you right here" and he bent her over the conference room table.  The table was so cold against her stomach, she could feel her nipples straining against the lace of her bra.  He parted her legs with his and slowly ran his other hand up her thigh.  She was hot, wet, ready and then SMACK a warm sting moved through her, waves of heat emulating from her smooth backside.  She hadn't realized she was holding her breath until that moment, as she let it all out and it came again, filling every pore with electricity.  "Be a good girl and give it to me" he growled in her ear and with the next shock wave she unraveled.  Kissing her shoulder, he helped her back to an upright position and helped her into the new dress.  "You look amazing, ready for lunch?" he grinned.  He grabbed her hand to walk her to the car.

____________________________________________________________________________________

Real or fiction?

I don't claim to be a writer, I write because I love to :)

50 shades of F*kd up

Well, to be honest, I didn't think this series was too bad until the end of book 2.  I am seriously "rolling my eyes" and my "twitchy palm" would like to slap someone.   Now, I don't know where it leads and maybe book 3 will bring me back and not be as bad as I anticipate....but the cliff hanger makes me cringe in "cliche-land"

I don't want to give away any spoilers yet or make too many assumptions until I am done with the series....but I am really frustrated right now.  The characters are great....the author needs a thesaurus!!
And she could read a few more BDSM related books to get a few clues :)

Still very romantical!  My husband and I are having fun reading this together and adding some extra D/s fun to our own lives : )  I am excited to see his "rule" list.

Here's to keeping things caliente!

KY here I come......

That is a dirty title....LOL

I am flying to Kentucky today for work.  Excited, yes....why?  Because I might get to finish book 2 in the 50 shades of grey trilogy.  After moving, unpacking, stressing about my new job....I am excited for just a few evenings of me time....wine and mommy porn....LOL

Mostly, I will be in airports over the next few days, but so be it.  I am going to miss my family so much, but when I get back we will have a big family fun day at the zoo!  And I am excited that this year there will be NO breastfeeding and my baby girl can walk and react to what she sees.  This is going to be SO fun!

I have been a serious bitch lately, not on purpose.  I am hormonal, bloated....crampy.  Thought I was going to get my period weeks ago...but nope, FINALLY TODAY....this will make traveling so much more enjoyable (sarcasm central!)  But I hate the feeling!  LIke I can't control my emotions, I hate being so edgy with my more than wonderful family,

I love my husband so much, he is so amazing in the line of adversity or my bitchiness :)

Can't wait to get home to him again!

Bustin' a move and leaking

Part 1 - Bustin' a move and leaking
Friday night I spent at JTB's "sorry for party rockin" Birthday/Going away party!  We started the night with a shot of Patron and all things get better from there.  We drank, we yelled at people on Main St. from his apartment windows. (Our old apartment, the Penthouse on Main)  Then we went to the Main St. Pub to sing, and sing we did!  We sang "don't stop believing", JTB requested that I sing "Stay" by lisa loeb for his, so I did.  And then I sang "2am" by Anna N. for him :)   We sobbed and hugged like school girls, it was so emotional....or was it the free beers we snagged in true US fashion that tipped us just over that emotional edge?  I don't know, but our eyes were leaking because our hearts hurt.  We decided at that point we needed to bust a move, so we headed to the Lantern to own the dance floor :)  IT was great!!!

Part 2- Bustin a move and leaking
Saturday started our MOVE.  My husband, daughter and I made our first move as a family.  Unfortunately it is not to a house...hopefully by next spring :)  But the new apartment is larger in some ways, smaller in others, but allows more room for entertaining and is really close to Downtown, parks, movie theater, daycare :)  It should be a nice summer and fall being so close to everything !  THe move was hectic, as I am leaving for another business trip this week in Kentucky.  I wanted everything done and somewhat organized.  I have some great friends!  I might not have a lot of close friends, but the ones I have are AMAZING!!!  We got help moving and organizing.  I have girlfriends that are cleaning my old apartment while I am away, so it is ready for our checkout.

The only real downfall at this point, is my allergies also flaired up this weekend and I have a sinus headache from hell...also, now that I am almost 33 and have had 3 kids....I am now one of those women that leaks when I sneeze....I mean, men have no idea the embarrassment that women endure after having children!!!  Ugh....now to find grey hair I am sure :)

50 shades deeper....

So, I have begun book 2..."Fifty Shades Darker".... and my husband started the first book today.  I am so pleased that he would even try it.  He is interested to see what has my body humming in overdrive these days, and I love him more for taking interest : )

I am trying to understand for myself why this *Christian* character appeals to me.  It certainly isn't his past or his rich family.  His drive and ambition, his sense of self, his whole dimeanor is quite appealing.  His tastes, his sheer power....regardless of the money factor...though to be honest money is power, so that certainly helps his boistrous endeavers.   I wouldn't turn down a great home, great clothes, etc, etc, etc.   I really like how in control he is and that he outwardly shows it.

Miss Steele.....well, she is a good girl who knows nothing of her own sexuality, thinking "vanilla" is normal and the only way.....well doesn't she get a surprise :)   And at this point, she is enjoying it more (spoiler if you aren't to book 2).   I understand she isn't submissive really, she is a little sassy and enjoys giving just a bit of control over....that is her perogative. 

The submissive has the power, a Dominant is not a Dominant, if they do not have someone or something to dominate....right?!   Well, part true.   Respectfulness is a must regardless, working to always get what you want is not okay.....power exchange is to be a mutually beneficial arrangement !   Communication and Compromise (negotiations) are as big a part as any other relationship, and TRUST IS KEY!   Do not break that trust.

I guess my real irritation is with romance novels in general...always the handsome, rich, deeply troubled man and the sweet, innocent girl that helps him find the light......same story, different author every single time.   This really has prompted me to write and consider my own story lines.  Truly, life can be so much better than fiction....I could roll my own story out with some added fictional twists and make it so much better........

And why is the MALE never submissive.....come on now....equal rights!!!

So, I will continue into the shades of Grey, and I will let you know what my husband thinks :)

And I am going to start my writing again and maybe post some stuff here.

50 shades of .....GREY FOR SURE!!!

There is alot being said about this 50 Shades of Grey Trilogy, though I haven't yet listened to any of it.  I know there is a huge following, I know there are a lot of people who love and hate it, but I haven't read one review....NOT ONE!!   I was asked by my best-mate, JTB if I had heard of it...I hadn't.  He said I might like it based on the other things he knows I have read, so I decided to give it a try.  I bought all 3 books before a business trip with the intent to get at least the first book read...mission accomplished.

I read the first 3 pages the night I bought the books and can say I was highly unimpressed!  At that point, JTB pointed out that they started from a Twilight Fan Fiction.....I died, almost got sick and had to seriously look at whether I was actually going to read it.   I won't mention that again, as just the thought truly makes me dislike the concept....I am not a huge Twilight fan and refuse to read the books, for the record.

As I got into the book a little more, though the writing style isn't maybe my favorite, Miss Steele is a lovable girl, I think her characteristics help many woman recognize themselves a bit.  She is sweet, sassy, hard working, adventurous, clumsy and most of all a hopeless romantic.  I know this has been called "Mommy Porn"....I can see that.   I am a Mother and I love to read some paranormal romance via Christine Feehan from time to time.  But this book appeals to me even more, because I am a bi-sexual, BDSM lifestyle switch. 

Now from that stand point......(1st book review only)
THIS IS FICTION!  Christian Grey....though a great fantasy man.....DOES NOT EXIST!!! {that I know of...but if he does...PLEASE COME FIND ME :) }

From my standpoint....Christian does most everything by the book, aka formal protocol....other than the stalking part :)  

Here is where I am NOT okay:  I agree with Miss Steele, that Mrs. Robinson is a pedophile!!  ANYTHING OF THIS NATURE WITH A MINOR IS NOT OKAY!!!!! EVER!!!    As much as a part of me has analyzed and continues to analyze the factors that bring someone into this type of lifestyle, in or out of the bedroom, and believe many people do have childhood traumas they are acting on.  This takes that way to far and though it may help Miss Steele and Us love him and want to help him....it is seriously messed up!

Onto the "RRofP".......OH HOW I WISH!!!   Just the idea of all that equipment makes me squirm a bit :)

THis is a romance story with a kink in the sex....that is it thus far.   I am happy that it is hitting "vanilla" readers, but wish it wasn't so romantisized and over the top...because that really doesn't help anyone understand those of us who enjoy other flavors : )  Yes, we still enjoy vanilla too...at least sometimes.

Onto book 2......

6 week review

I have now been a Mrs. for 6 weeks : )   I have started my new career and it is deliciously cheesy!  I have traveled for work, as has my husband.  We have only been home together half of our marriage at this point, but we are still in love and the time away and forced us to continually up our communication skills and in the end, is very positive for us.

We are preparing to move to our new apartment......UGH!!!  I hate moving...I really just want to a nice house and to settle down :)  You know, I am old school.  I want the American dream of buying a great house (that is big enough for our future) and NEVER moving again......oh to dream.  We looked at homes in our area, but the market is so crazy, either low end needs lots of repair and old...or pretty high end....and we just don't make enough to do either.  I guess that makes us part of the lower middle class..

We are planning our honeymoon for this fall before my work gets really busy.  I am excited to see what we decide to do.  It won't be anything too expensive, just a start to our hopefully many trips together.  I am very excited to possibly do some international travel for work and for my husband to come along :)

Our children are growing, growing, growing.....our little girl walks, climbs, communicates.  The boys are finishing the school year, and will soon by 1st and 2nd graders.  This year I marked my 9th Mother's Day....I just can't believe that.

My health.....well, I feel fine, but my exercise and eating routine did not become habit and I can just tell that I have gained the weight and inches back.  I am very upset with myself, but plan to start again on June 1st!

Life is good, always a little rocky, but never too terrible.

I hope to keep a better posting timeline now.

31 days left!

31 days = 1 month

One month left before I am Mrs.   The only fears I have about the wedding are the little details, that I won't get my bouquet finished, the decorations won't be done right, the food, etc won't be right.  Just the little things.  I know we will get married, even if things don't fit right....we will have photos even if I look horrible...we will eat even if it doesn't look the way I would like or had imagined.  And that is him speaking...the calm one in our relationship.    I WANT:  I want cotton candy martinis, cupcakes of many colors on pedastles, great snacks, attractive drink area, to fit perfectly and lovely in my dress, to have all the words spoken correctly and with meaning.   DETAILS.

What matters is that he looks at me lovingly and I can see the VOWS in his eyes as he takes me as His forever!!   That he understands that I am with him for life, no matter what comes our way.  That our families, friends and especially our children see a loving relationship that they can grow in.  That I wake up that morning his fiance and go to sleep that night his wife.

I am so stressed about my work situation and I know that is making the little wedding details seem all that more HUGE.  I worry about our living situation if I can't find anything.  I cry that we won't have a honeymoon, when I just want a few days with him alone....we need it, we deserve it.  We love our family, but we just want a little time alone.

I worry about possible family tension during the wedding....or just random chaos that I can't control.  I don't want to be miserable and stressed on the day!

Lord help me get thru this : )

40 days : Daily reflections before I am MRS.

40 days left.  In a little over a month I will be Mrs. (again).  Oh the things I have come thru and learned since I was a Mrs.   I have been so excited, a bit stressed, a bit relieved.  I can honestly say that I have had COLD FEET!  I have discussed it with my Mr., we discuss pretty much everything....and wonderful change from the previous Mr's in my life.

I have enjoyed my singledom, my grey areas and certainly being His Fiance!  We have come through many obsticals already.  My love and respect grow for him constantly!  I know we have differences, and that isn't a breaking point for me.  My worries lie that something will be a breaking point for him!  I always worry that something won't be enough, or will be too much and will break our deal.  I know this is me, I know I can not let my fear create a self fulfilling prophecy!!!

I am excited to be His Mrs. in 40 days, to start our life as husband and wife, Dominant/submissive, equal partners and more.  He truly is my best friend!  He is more understanding of me, than I ever am of myself...or him, probably!  He doesnt' see my crazy the way i do.  He doesn't think I am selfish, and yet he is SO giving!!

Today our daughter turns 1!  One whole year of parenting together.  Tomorrow marks a year since he bought my engagement ring....I never knew...not for 6 weeks, that he wanted to take that step.  I remember before our daughter was born, worrying about being a single parent, then he stayed and expressed his love for myself and our daughter.  Then I remember thinking he was just around out of a sense of obligation...he is that kind of great guy!!  And then he popped the question.  No fancy words, no exciting plan, just the strong knowledge that he wanted me as his Forever, One time only Wife!  And I couldn't say no!  I knew I loved him and only hoped that we would continue to grow together, because I wanted to be his wife.

40 days and it will be so!

Lesson 2 - When to Venn......and VENT!

I am having serious issues getting my everyday *vanilla* life to blend and meet up with what I want from my D/s dynamice (BDSM) life.  I figured, if I am having issues then maybe others are too, so this was the last assignment....to write down the way you are in everyday life, in your BDSM life and how those intersect...or ways you can get them to intersect to help find a balance.

I *absolutely* love and cherish my Dom and future husband.  We have our similarities and our differences as everyone does.  I really suck at asking for what I want or need. (based on being denied or told I was being selfish for asking for things in my past)  I have been trained in BDSM and have very distinct views and cues.  I play for keeps and not just for funsies.  I have been badly burned by *poly* and would love to be cherished and honored in a monogamous marriage.....but we aren't married yet, so who knows.

We constantly discuss aspects of our lives, what bothers me in poly situations....well, I don't share well and I like things that are *DISTINCTLY* mine, because I haven't had that luxury in life much.

The other luxury I don't have is to be submissive and have my submissive needs met....and this is where I start to take a downward spiral.  I don't need much, but I need something on a regular basis.  I work, do family finances, planning a wedding, planning socials, taking care of kids, trying to be healthy and fit, home organizing (grocery lists, etc.)....I am constantly going...and when I am not....I am exhausted because I get up each nite with my daughter and then she is up for the day usually by 4:30-5am.  I AM TIRED!  I do all that I can, and my future husband is VERY helpful with housework and cooking....but damn it, I love cooking and wish I could do it...that would fulfill some of my *serving* needs.

By the time I get home from my yoga and shower, I am exhausted....and even though the baby has been asleep since before I left, and he has had hours to play that damn PS3....as much as I try to get his attention, I go to bed alone most nights these days.  This is a huge deal because my ex's did the same thing...the video games always took presidence and I feel like something is wrong with me...why can't I get his attention and get what I need?????   He says because I don't ask....TRUE....but why should I have to all the time....am I not enough that you would take your own time to make a move??  Well...no man makes a move at me anymore, not in our socials, bars, nothing.  I have lost my appeal and sexiness from what I gather.

But my future husband hasn't.  He is very sexy and a great guy....and the submissive girls flock.  While I am taking care of our daughter, he is surrounded by women basking is all the attention he seems to have to give.  I would sit at his feet if there was room...but no.  And if I did, would he spend hours playing with my hair? DOUBT IT!  cause I have tried!   Scenes....do I get an hour long scene with warm up and cool down...NOPE!   I feel rushed to orgasm, so he can get off and go to sleep....sometimes I just want to give up.  WE used to have sex 5+ times a week...now 2012....4 times in 17 days (5 days of shark week included). 

I know I am ranting, i am under a lot of pressure.  I am planning a wedding, looking for a job....and my job seems to be the deteremining factor in SO many things right now....if we move, if we can afford a mini honeymoon, a big honeymoon or a honeymoon at all!!   The things we want in life are on my shoulders, because he has a stable job.  I am doing and making all the wedding stuff, decisions, purchases...blah blah blah.

I never talk bad about my future husband, and I feel bad even ranting about my awful feelings right now.  I love him unconditionally!  To the fullest.  I never want someone to thing otherwise or think less of him or me or to try and come between us because they see a weakness in our fortress right now.  I am just so full of emotion that I have to spew this goop out so I can sit back and really examine it.

What the fuck am I really upset about??

I want time to be submissive....I want attention....I want to feel loved and cherished.

I get him all the time...I know...but everyday life doesn't leave a lot of *us* time, let along play time.  I am the lucky one that he has chosen to marry, I get to be cuddled at night, even if I am asleep when he cuddles me.  I know deep down that he loves me, even if I don't understand how he shows it all the time.  He shows it in being helpful around the house, which isn't a form I am used to dealing with.  I have read the 5 love languages...and I am the mushy romantic type....gifts of service are harder for me to consider because I see it as something that *has* to be done anyway....yes I am glad I don't have to do it all, but it would have to be done regardless of whether i was there...it is running a house 101.   It doesn't feel personal to me, the way a thoughtful statement or small token of appreciation does....hence why being submissive makes me feel loved and cared about....because his attention is all on me for that small amount of time.

I feel so bad writing all this...like physically ill.  I need to stop...take a step back and see what I can find in this massive shit storm of my mind.

Thanks for bearing with me : )

Puddles

2012 - Lesson 1

I am going to attemp to add some *muchness* to the BDSM group I help to lead.  I feel that as a social group and friends we are great, but we need to continue to grow in our dynamics and views....so since I am still exporing my submissive side, I am going to do all the assignments I am asking others to do from my own submissive standpoint.


Lesson 1:
*Start a BDSM journal or blog
*make a green, yellow, red activity list
*know your safeword


I have been journaling and blogging this stuff for years, but most of my time has been spent on what I like from a Domme perspective.  I am going to try to exclusively do these assignments from my sub side and see what I can learn.

So, I am going to start with *red*...that seems easiest

RED  (NO< NOT EVER<GO FUCK YOURSELF)
scat,vomit,anything seriously illegal, minors, serious edge play, golden showers anywhere above the waist, nipple clamps, anal stretching,animals, unitentional scaring, humiliation, corporal punishment,


YELLOW(NO<WELL MAYBE<OK I WILL TRY IT ONCE *OR* WOULD LOVE TO TRY)
bukkake, corner time, prolonged bondage, domestic servitude, role play, plugs, cutting, rape play, gang bangs, forced service, modification, furries, WAM, watersports, blood play, degredation(tasteful), enemas, branding,caging, corsets, fucking machines, medical play, interrigation play, suspension bondage, vaccum bed, waterboarding/bondage


GREEN(YES<LOVE IT<GIVE ME MORE)
lingerie/costumes, spankings, fisting, pussy slapping, breast slapping, face slapping (not too hard), rituals, bondage, caning, paddling, hair pulling, collars, wax play, violet wands, breath play/choking, biting, sensory deprivation/blindfolds, cock/ball worship, cunnilingus, discipline, masterbation, orgasm control, domesticity, fire cupping, knife play, Daddy/babygirl, anal sex, attention, ball gags, blow jobs,  chakra energy play, electro-play, gas masks, temperature play, size play, needle play, voyerism,


*** I know there has to be more, so as I think of things I will continue to list them


My safeword:
When not using the green, yellow, red  method.....is.........strawberry