The "Me" factor in life

Oh, it has been such a year of joy and change.  We are 4 months away from our wedding and our daughter is now old enough (9 months) that I feel okay leaving the house, with her in her Father's care and not worrying.

We still attend and help host Brookings Socials, I continue to do demos when I can.  I have been planning the Positive Body Image "Indulgence" Party for this Saturday for months and am very excited that I got 3 great guest speakers to come and talk to my girlfriends. (Deena from yoga-versity, Darlene the party lady (sex toys) and Lisa the bra lady ! )

I want to do more Domesticity events, but at the same time....I have a wedding I am planning.  I NEED help doing crafty things, i would love a 1950's Bachelorette party, I have a new found love for yoga and go almost every night. (after the baby is asleep, and then my fiance plays video games...good trade, we both get an hour to do what we enjoy alone!)

I sorta wish someone would want to plan an event for me, or even with me....I feel myself starting to pull away from lifestyle events because, we live it almost daily...I don't need events and don't really enjoy them like I did when I was single.  What I enjoy is having my "family" over...my lifestyle friends that are my friends because I like them outside of our kinky interests!  We had a thanksgiving gathering and I loved it!  We talked, ate, watched comedy and laughed.  There was no pressure to scene with anyone, i sat alone and stayed Dynamically neutral for once and it was nice.

I do enjoy having my Topping scenes, but I hate feeling like I am obligated just because as submissive is around.  I am submissive most of the time at home and I dont' get scenes everyday, but sure do appreciate it when I do get one.

i know I am just edgy with pre-wedding/current planning stresses.  Tis the Holiday season...so I will be cheery : )

Forgiveness

Finally after 3 years I have found some peace.  I can really move on.  I can forgive.

Oddly the realization came from embarking on a journey that hurt even to think  about.  After failed marriages and many hurt feelings in my past.....and after time to myself and finding ME again.  I chose to really fight ever being in another relationship, and then when I couldn't help myself (cause my man wouldn't take no for an answer ...ahah) that I would try to use everything I had learned and act differently, as obviously the past actions hadn't helped me.

So, I am more emotional, I communicate more, I stress less, I think hard about things before having and emotional response, I think for myself a lot more in general.  And the great thing is that my partner is more supportive than I ever thought possible.  He doesn't criticize me, my past, my emotions.  He is calm, he communicates, he listens and finds compromise with me.

We discussed certain "poly" aspects.  As we have a D/s relationship within our romantic relationship and we do like to have BDSM play with others, we questioned how far we wanted to take that.  We have experiemented, set new boundaries, communicated...baby baby steps.  Things haven't always worked the way we planned.  I have been hurt, my fears have been slightly validated.   But I kept on keeping on.

Recently we were invited to a kinky book club and the first book...The Ethical Slut.  Oh god, i didnt' want to read it.  But I have....and I am remember the way I feel...not the way my past has made me feel.  What are my true fears and what are based on past experiences.  And in this, I called my ex.  We had a great talk.  I was able to forgive him and myself.

I am so excited to keep moving forward with my loving fiance!

Puddles

Save your DRAMA for the stage....

...I didn't buy tickets for a reason!

Some people feel the NEED to be the center of attention, good or bad.  And some people *claim* to hate drama and yet seem to be the cause of so much.

In the last year I have lost friends.  Well, I have walked away after realizing these people were not who they showed themselves to be.  They were not the kind, caring and fun people I met, but two faced and manipulative.  It sucks to feel fooled, but life goes on.

I still try to be nice to everyeone.  With the help of my man and bestie, I am working to be more honest with everyone about how I really feel.  I know this could lose me some friends, but a true friend isn't going to leave me for telling the truth as I see it.

I guess I am saying this as a statement and a disclaimer, for as I continue I am sure I will offend someone for my honest opinion. 

Puddles

From Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, 1600:

JULIET:
      'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
      Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
      What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
      Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
      Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
      What's in a name? that which we call a rose
      By any other name would smell as sweet;
      So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
      Retain that dear perfection which he owes
      Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
      And for that name which is no part of thee
      Take all myself.

Meaning: What matters is what something is, not what it is called.

So many people are looking for a label, a place to belong, a sense of security by being "in the group".    I used to think that way, and I was only a certain way with each certain group.  No one knew ME, they knew a PART of me.  I still at times try to box myself into a label, but it never works, I don't feel anymore "in" or honest with myself. 

ME: hippie,hopeful romantic, mother, sister, daugter, lover, sub, Dom, switch, 1950's housewife, bread-winner, meat lover, tree hugger, victorian Lady, renaissance wench, blah blah blah...it never ends : )

I am who I am. My name is Charmaine.  People call me Puddles.  But nothing about me changes.

Things are what they are.  You can call something a marriage, even if the partners are both cheating.  It is a formality, it is what it is.  Just because you call it something doesn't necessarily make it that, I personally try to call it like I see it, and if I am wrong I hope someone will politefully correct me and give me the accurate information.

Puddles

---

"Moderation. Small helpings. Sample a little bit of everything. These are the secrets of happiness and good health."  ~Julia Child ~



Complacency  can hurt you!  Sure we may like stability and routine, it helps us feel less overwhelmed.  But take time to continue to learn and explore...you only get one life on this earth (say most religious views) so live it up. 

I have heard and experienced the "rut" a relationship can fall into.  Kids, jobs, pets, health issues...so many things can find us needing and wanting our routines.   Couples can choose to grow apart or grow together in many situations.  Make the effort, have date night, plan a "sexy" evening when you know you have the time.  Moderation....switch it up. 

Recently, we had "date night".  We went out to dinner and a movie.  Dinner was good, but almost awkward, because we didn't feel we could have "sexy talk" around so many people at Applebee's.  The movie was ok, but we didn't like the crowded seating.   So, what do you do....we get Netflix and Hulu and buttered Microwave popcorn and wine....we have movie night at home.   We both cook better than most restaurants (my brother's excluded!)    Maybe our next date night will be a play, or an outdoor adventure; who knows, but we are going to keep trying new things together and learning about one another.

Now to flip this to D/s:  The same "rut" can happen.  The Dom and sub, know what they like, how to accomplish a good scene.   But does it all start to feel the same.  Great, you are doing a good job meeting both of your needs, but don't you want to keep exploring?    Push eachother a little, talk about new things to try.  Go to munches or seminars and meet new people.  Even if you try something and don't like it, you can still do what you know works, but you can say you have more knowledge about yourself in the end : )

"The only real stumbling block is fear of failure. In cooking you've got to have a what-the-hell attitude."

~Julia Child~

 

Julia is right about so many things, hence why she is an inspiration to me in many ways.  Take this quote and remove the word "cooking" and then fill in other areas of your life and go for it with GUSTO!

 

~Puddles~

"I am glad that I paid so little attention to good advice; had I abided by it I might have been saved from some of my most valuable mistakes.

~ Edna St. Vincent Millay~

Who's job is it to:

*keep the romance alive in a relationship

*pick up the extra slack

*communicate honestly

*address the hard issues

*clean the house

*etc, etc. etc. ??????

Let me tell you what I think, but this is just my limited opinion : )  It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you have;vanilla, kinky, D/s, poly, roommates, family....it is EVERYONE'S responsibility.  Each person involved in a relationship is responsible to be active in that relationship.

Now, specifically, I recently had a child.  Amazing gift!  Great changes and joys.  But, did our sex life take a turn for the worse?  Absolutely NOT!  My loving Dominant did make me wait the full 6 weeks after childbirth to have sex or play in anyway.  It was hard for me, but he incorporated other Dominant aspects into everyday life to help me feel secure.  Our time is more limited now, but we both make the effort and because of that, the intensity has risen to great heights.

Somedays, I am tired, I feel old, fat, unattractive, etc.  But my Dominant helps me to feel good about myself and his love for me, and I use that to help empower myself.  Somedays I am my own ego boost and I give that right back to him.  This give and take in all aspects of our relationship is what makes it work.  We talk about everything...even the hard and hurtful issues.  We don't yell at eachother, we don't judge or degrade the other's feelings.  I don't care what religion you are or how you were raised, if you let go of yourself just a little and look out for the best interest of the one you love, amazing things can happen and the bond forged is like no other.

But like the beginning quote says, if I hadn't made many of my own mistakes along the way, I could not have seen my joy now so clearly.

~Puddles~

A drop in the bucket...

"No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible for the flood"  ~Unknown

Each small frustration builds, each stresser adds another gallon to your load, until finally you can't hold it anymore....same analogy for the one thing that so many of us suffer.  I recently fell into my own stress trap, I take so many things so personal, I try to control issues out of my control; and guess what, I FAIL!   It took 3 people very close to me to see what I was doing, and what I came away with was COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY!  Well, duh, I knew that but obviously needed a reminder.

I can't control everything, and what I can't control I have the control not to let hinder my relationships.  I can be a sounding board for a friend without taking on the emotional burdens, even when I feel bad for them and the situation.  I can listen, I can give opinions and try to make them smile, but that is all I can do.

When I am frustrated with something it is my JOB to speak up, no one can read my mind, so they can't help me fix something that they are unaware is broken.  It is my responsibility to me and those I care about to not get to the point of flooding my emotions haphazardly.

Also, in letting open communication flow I am finding a great freedom in my love relationship.  In being honest about my wants, needs, desires, fantasies, fears, stressers, etc.  I am building trust and freedom with my partner.  A closer bond is forged with every trial we make it through.  I now feel more loved than ever because my partner knows that much more about me and strives for my happiness, knowing what I desire.  And the reciprocation is tenfold.

It brings me great pleasure to know that when I step out of line with my Dominant partner that he will lovingly and sternly adjust my attitude.  A spanking, an orgasm denial, a small public humiliation; he knows how to touch parts of me that can only be first hit via a psychological connection, then emotional and lastly physical.  I am now more willing to try and remember his advice and to communicate, as I have nothing to lose but the struggle of trying to go it alone.

~Puddles~

Emotional Tidalwaves

"There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion that if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together"     ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow~


I am an emotional person.  Want to know more, take a look at my previous blogs:

http://www.thelightanddarkofanilluminousmind.blogspot.com/

http://www.sexsarcasmandstrawberries.blogspot.com/


They were started over a year ago, at a very different point in my life.  Much has changed and yet some things remain the same : )

Submission can be so bittersweet.  Getting what you want, isn't always what you want....a phrase that probably only makes sense to some.   So here's a little story:

A long time switch opens up to their submissive needs. They could go the way some do and be bratty, and do anything to get attention, positive or negative.  A spanking is a spanking, the sub needs a spanking.  But a spanking isn't a spanking, there can be so many meanings derived by a spanking, but that is for another discussion.

The sub wants their Dominant to be that, Dominant.  Life has thrown a few obstacles in the way.  The sub wants a beating, some great sex, some tasks to accomplish.  Deciding that taking the "bad sub" way of getting a need met isn't right, the sub just continues to live life, waiting for an opportunity to come along.  While living life, the sub does something they want, but at the least opportune time to them, their Dominant decides to show autority and make a decision that does not go with the submissives plan.  Now what?

The submissive is upset because their plans were thwarted.  The submissive then realizes, that in a way they got what they wanted....the Dominant made a decision and made them follow it. 

There is more to this story, but in essense my thought is how funny life is sometimes.  In the end, the Dominant was correct in their decision, but will the submissive admit that or complain about what they feel they aren't getting?

What do you think?  What is the right thing to do?  I have lots of feelings, and as this blog progresses, watch out...it will be a tidalwave : )

~Puddles~

Into the depths...

"Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!" ~Eleanor Roosevelt

       I find this quote to be quite valid in my own life experiences.  We are forged in the fires of the hell in our own lives.  "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" so they say.  I endured much, but from what is seems these days, I actually suffered less than most. 
      I am the daughter of a Catholic Mother and an Alcoholic Father.  My father abused my mother and I.  My mother would get frustrated and I would get the brunt of that frustration.  My lil brother was just that, little...so he remembers none of it and endured none of it because even at a young age I protected him.  I would climb in his crib and night and hold him when I heard my parents yelling.  I endured sexual abuse that has to do with my father taking me to his "drug" parties and living in shelters with my Mom and brother after my parents divorced.  I honestly don't blame my mom, she did the best that she could for all of us.  She was ready to leave and so was I, and the last time I remember my parents fighting, my dad threw my mom against the wall and my brother was crying.  I remember throwing on my little brown cowgirl boots, looking my dad in the eye and saying I was leaving.  And I did.  I ran to a neighborhood friend's house and told his parents that they needed to call the cops and help my mom and brother. 
       The shelters weren't all that bad, had my first girl experience in one...not sure if that is what opened me to being bi-sexual, but either way it is terrible to look back and know that another little girl had been molested and that is how she knew to interact with others.  Maybe her experience put her in the lifestyle as well.  It is my opinion that at least 80% of the individuals in the BDSM lifestyle are here due to a psychological trauma that they need to work through, and I am not just talking about "daddy issues".
      Now, my mother is a hero of mine.  She still has her faith, she put herself through college with two young children and eventually found love and has a pretty great life.  I really look to her for inspiration when times are tough.
      Tough times came and went as I grew, looking back I see how I was affected.  I never lost my spirit or sense of humor, though I know I faked it to get by sometimes.  I learned to be charming, and it has been an asset.  I also learned to be Dominant to keep myself safe.  I like the sense of control that makes me feel stable and far from vulnerable to anyone.  I learned to take a beating and  give one. I stood up for what I believed, and I still do.  I know along the way though I have loved, lost and become more vulnerable. 
       I fought vulnerability for a long time.  No one saw me cry.  They saw happiness or anger, and from the anger came power and determination.  I was and still am good at making things happen when I am mad enough.  My firey hell is my own, and I have come through much, not unscathed but still experiencing the journey.  I have not turned off my emotions, I have not gone cold, I have not faked who I am.  I experience, I learn, I grow, for like a great forest, I must burn to make room for new growth.


~Puddles~

 

Dew drops....

"Which dreams indeed are ambition, for the very
substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream." --Shakespeare


I had a dream, I had many.  I HAVE MANY.  I am me, you don't know me, maybe you never will.  The way I am, the way I think, my emotions are mine, but here they are for you, drops of dew.  Fleeting, momentary thoughts, left for you before they evaporate into life.  These thoughts are all the doplets that make me, Puddles.

~Puddles~