Body Image

Last week, upon entering the Dr.'s office, I was led to the dreadful machine in the corner that tells me my weight.  As if in agony, I slowly stepped on and closed my eyes.  I hate this part, I hate feeling like no matter how healthy I eat or how often I am at the gym...this number never seems to reflect it.  But I looked...........265............gasp!  I must have been thinking about cupcakes and mentally gained a few extra pounds.  Now to be honest...I don't keep a lot of track of my weight.  In my blog from last year before my wedding "Puddles goes to Yoga" I kept track on inches.  I still check these numbers from time to time and thought I haven't seen a decrease....I haven't seen an increase either.

I have noticed that my middle is trimming and my butt is getting higher ( I say bigger, but my husband likes it).  I will always have larger legs and I am loving my running calves!  In all this, I have started to look at myself in the mirror every morning and REALLY see my body.  Yes, I don't like all of it, but I certainly don't hate it anymore either.  I am going to continue to work on loving myself and my body!

My concern is for my daughter, I don't want her to grow up with a Mom that is always down on herself about the way she looks.  I don't want her to learn negative body image from me!!!  She will have enough to deal with outside our home.  I want her to see a woman who is strong and happy and loves herself and her body.  Someone who eats healthy and takes time to enjoy excercise.  I don't want her to see someone who is upset and struggling to constantly lose weight and be some "better" version of herself. 

Good values and good self image start at home.  I saw my Mom struggle with her weight.  She worked very hard to change eating habits and work out.  And DAMN, she lost the weight and has really kept it off.  I am SO proud of her!  But what I realized recently is that my Mom looks great and still very much talks about disliking her body and her struggle with her weight.  To me and everyone else, she looks amazing!  I don't know why she can't see it, but I know I don't want to be that way.  I worried about my weight at a young age, I was naturally bigger (more voluptuous) than the other girls and I was very self concsious of it.  I took up smoking at 15 so I had something to do while other kids ate lunch.  I remember as a Junior in high school my lunch consisted of a cigarette, one stick of beef jerky and tomato juice....god forbid I touch pizza or anything like that.   But what I did in those years, ruined my metabolism later in life.

I need to make healthy choices for me, my family and our futures.  Part of that is being happy with me, even if my size never changes.  I can be healthy at any size!

Charmaine

A family affair

This past Saturday I participated in the local Hobo Day 5k, this was to be the BIG ONE for me but as my training has been slower than anticipated I was just happy to put another 5k under my belt toward my goal.

It just so happened that my Mom came to visit and wanted to participate in the 5k, but NO running.  She wanted to walk it.  The morning was cold, but as my Mom and I prepared to leave my two sons (ages 8.5 and 7) decided they wanted to come too.  I was so thrilled, I didn't care about running anymore :)  As we waited for the race to begin, my youngest son decided he wanted to stay back and watch with a few co-workers of mine.  I let him go (as I am sure it was because of my co-worker's cute red headed daughter that he wanted to stay....oh boy!)

We were ready!  My Mom, my son and I heard the horn and took off...we jogged the first block just to get momentum.  We then walked slowly being left behind the crowd.  We enjoyed a nice yet brisk walk in the cool (40 degree) morning air.  My legs hurt a little to start, but they always do when I am trying to run or walk on uneven terrain.  We listened to music and kept track of our time on my Nike+ GPS app.

I continued to check on my son and encourage his participation :)  I was a very proud Mother in this moment!  We rounded mile 1.....slowly saw mile 2 and we were making good time for walking!  The first 5k I did, attempting to jog a block/walk a block until I had to just walk, I finished in 55.02 and that was amazing.  I know that my overall pace has slowly increased with practice.  And as we came close to mile 3, I realized I could beat my last time if I could make it to the end in 10 minutes.  No problem.  We picked up our pace.  My son and I decided to leave Grandma walking and jog/walk the last 6 blocks.  We made our final turn and could see the clock counting down.  He took off, yelling "we can make it Mom..." and I wasn't about to let him down...so I took off after him.  I watched the clock as we came to the finish line....just barely.  I came in at 55.14......but considering we really walked the entire way exept that last bit, not too bad!  We walked my Mom across the line at 57 minutes and we all hugged.

So I didn't "run" the race, I completed the event with my family and now have even more support from them in my ongoing training!  And I told my son that we will beat that time next year and his smile was worth every ache!

Charmaine

Race Day Approaches

What a long and crazy summer!!!  I injured my knee with a patella tendon strain 3 weeks into my 5k training.  I had to take a few weeks off, get knee braces and start again slowly.....BUT I DID!   I have not yet finished the progam, but I continue to work at it.  I know have a gym membership and attempt to get there 2-3 nights a week after my daughter goes to bed.  This is a good thing for my relationship, as it gives me time to do something for my and my husband time to decompress with some Borderlands 2 or whatever he wants that evening.

The "BIG RACE" is this Saturday and I had every intention of running it to the best of my ability, but my Mother is coming to visit and she wants to walk it....I don't know if I want to just leave her behind.  She and I will have to discuss this, as I would like to see if I can better my time from my first run.

Either way, I am excited!  I am going to finish the 5k trainer and continue to train.  The goal is to run an "ENTIRE" 5k...so I have a ways to go, but I am enjoying the journey!

Charmaine

" WTF R U Doing?!"

I wrote in my last blog, that this was my mantra....well, I am taking it a step further.  Last year I put on the Body Indulgence party in December, leading up to it, I posted a positive body article, tip, etc. on Facebook the whole month of October.

This year I am registered to run a 5k in October, so I thought....why not get my friends to do this too!?  My mantra, is now a group slogan to encourage others to be Healthy At Every Size!

I am recruiting everyone I know to train the next 3 months and to walk or run in the October 5k with me :)  I plan to have the slogan produced on buttons for everyone to wear.  And a few of us, Joeybear and myself will have T-shirts made.

So...WTF R U DOING?

This was what I came up with for myself:

Here is my curvy body....dated photo, so we can see where I am after the October 5k.  In 3 weeks, my hips, thighs and butt are all more firm, lifted and smaller (I can tell just in how my jeans fit)

Looking forward to many more changes.

:)

Winning the race of ME

After one week (3 runs) post knee injury, I got a wild hair to run a 5k :)  I decided that in order to gauge myself I needed to have a baseline.  I had set a goal of doing the 8 week couch to 5k trainer and continue training until my registered 5k in October.  My goal for October was to finish in less than an hour.  How did I know if an hour was good?

I started 5k training the beginning of June with the mile average of 24. something minutes.  Using my Nike+ GPS, I started to keep a better track and could tell that my time was slowly dwindling down : )  PROGRESS!

So, I went to do the 2012 Beef & Eggs 5k in Brookings, SD. 

I got my number.  I stretched.  I got nervous.  Started my music. Lined up and went.  I tried to do what I have done in my 5k training program.  I walked the first 5 blocks fast and then jogged every other block for as long as I could and then walked some more.  When I hit my first mile..I was averaging  just oover 16 mins :)  It was long, I went through many emotions, but I was determined not to quit...I had to finish.

I did finish!  I was the last person to finish, but I came in at 55 minutes :)  5 minutes under my goal for October's race! I averaged just over 18 minutes a mile.  So, now I have 7 more weeks of 5k training and almost 3 months total to speed up, and try to reach my new goal for October of 40 minutes :) and jog the whole thing !!

I am so thankful for my family and friends for their support!  Especially my husband and his best friend, Joeybear.  I talk to Joeybear about running alot and when I complain about not being fast enough or thin enough, he encourages me with "WTF are YOU doing?" reminding me, that regardless I am doing it for me and doing more than others who might be haters!  I used that mantra my entire first 5k to keep me going, and took a picture of my sweaty post race ass print on the sidewalk so all the haters can kiss it ! : )

I plan to run my next 5k on August 4, 2012 to see what progress I can make.

There is not better rush, than winning a race with yourself!

Charmaine

Wild and Crazy Summer

So it has been a few weeks...these have been the weeks I have been layed up with a knee injury.  NO RUNNING, ugh...but then again it has been close to 100 degrees each day, so maybe I am not missing anything.

I finally have my knee brace for my right knee, left knee arrives next week.  My knee feels better, and I can start running a little bit again next week, but I have to wear the braces!!  I also need more calcium and some glucosamine, as the xray showed signs of early ostio-arthritis issues...for fucks sake already!!!  Grey hairs, lumpy body, bad knees...I am too young for this shit to start already!

Work has been chaos...this whole summer is a whirlwind, with no end in sight until Mid-September, but yet...so many fun adventures!  Next week my husband turns 28 and I am throughing him a "Harem Night" bash :)  The week after that, we have my brother wedding!...I am still super busy at work, then August 1 is my parent's 20th Anniversary.  Family camping in August.  Ren Fest and MN state fair in Sept and our HONEYMOON!

WOOT WOOT WOOT

I have so many details to write, with little to no time...but find me on Twitter: cupcakepuddles  , I like to tweet my little daily funnies :)

SMOOCHES!

My own submission

If you have been following me long, you know I am part of the BDSM lifestyle and love it.

Now, with that being said, I am mostly Dominant and only submit to my husband, whom I trust with everything....but even then, to this point I have chosen to submit.

This weekend, he took things up a notch to a point were I had not choice, I just did.  It was the most freeing experience of my BDSM life thus far.  He said all the right things, brought my body alive one small touch at a time and kept me tuned to his whim for hours.  MIND BLOWN!

Afterward, I was scared....I have never been pushed like that...but for him to hold me and tell me how beautiful I am to him...to feel his love and affection for giving myself to him in those ways....OMG...a dream come true!

As we polish out the details of our BDSM poly contact, and how brining in other play partners or potential lovers will effect us and our family we are growing stronger in our dynamics together and communication.  We aren't looking to be a full poly family!!  We don't plan to actually "date" others but we may have D/s relationships with other friends we are close with to make life more enjoyable when our children are safely with other family members for the evening.

WE protect our children with everything and that is what is important to us first and foremost.