Finally after 3 years I have found some peace. I can really move on. I can forgive.
Oddly the realization came from embarking on a journey that hurt even to think about. After failed marriages and many hurt feelings in my past.....and after time to myself and finding ME again. I chose to really fight ever being in another relationship, and then when I couldn't help myself (cause my man wouldn't take no for an answer ...ahah) that I would try to use everything I had learned and act differently, as obviously the past actions hadn't helped me.
So, I am more emotional, I communicate more, I stress less, I think hard about things before having and emotional response, I think for myself a lot more in general. And the great thing is that my partner is more supportive than I ever thought possible. He doesn't criticize me, my past, my emotions. He is calm, he communicates, he listens and finds compromise with me.
We discussed certain "poly" aspects. As we have a D/s relationship within our romantic relationship and we do like to have BDSM play with others, we questioned how far we wanted to take that. We have experiemented, set new boundaries, communicated...baby baby steps. Things haven't always worked the way we planned. I have been hurt, my fears have been slightly validated. But I kept on keeping on.
Recently we were invited to a kinky book club and the first book...The Ethical Slut. Oh god, i didnt' want to read it. But I have....and I am remember the way I feel...not the way my past has made me feel. What are my true fears and what are based on past experiences. And in this, I called my ex. We had a great talk. I was able to forgive him and myself.
I am so excited to keep moving forward with my loving fiance!
Puddles
