A drop in the bucket...

"No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible for the flood"  ~Unknown

Each small frustration builds, each stresser adds another gallon to your load, until finally you can't hold it anymore....same analogy for the one thing that so many of us suffer.  I recently fell into my own stress trap, I take so many things so personal, I try to control issues out of my control; and guess what, I FAIL!   It took 3 people very close to me to see what I was doing, and what I came away with was COMMUNICATION IS THE KEY!  Well, duh, I knew that but obviously needed a reminder.

I can't control everything, and what I can't control I have the control not to let hinder my relationships.  I can be a sounding board for a friend without taking on the emotional burdens, even when I feel bad for them and the situation.  I can listen, I can give opinions and try to make them smile, but that is all I can do.

When I am frustrated with something it is my JOB to speak up, no one can read my mind, so they can't help me fix something that they are unaware is broken.  It is my responsibility to me and those I care about to not get to the point of flooding my emotions haphazardly.

Also, in letting open communication flow I am finding a great freedom in my love relationship.  In being honest about my wants, needs, desires, fantasies, fears, stressers, etc.  I am building trust and freedom with my partner.  A closer bond is forged with every trial we make it through.  I now feel more loved than ever because my partner knows that much more about me and strives for my happiness, knowing what I desire.  And the reciprocation is tenfold.

It brings me great pleasure to know that when I step out of line with my Dominant partner that he will lovingly and sternly adjust my attitude.  A spanking, an orgasm denial, a small public humiliation; he knows how to touch parts of me that can only be first hit via a psychological connection, then emotional and lastly physical.  I am now more willing to try and remember his advice and to communicate, as I have nothing to lose but the struggle of trying to go it alone.

~Puddles~

Emotional Tidalwaves

"There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion that if by chance it be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble drops some careless word, it overflows, and its secret, spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered together"     ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow~


I am an emotional person.  Want to know more, take a look at my previous blogs:

http://www.thelightanddarkofanilluminousmind.blogspot.com/

http://www.sexsarcasmandstrawberries.blogspot.com/


They were started over a year ago, at a very different point in my life.  Much has changed and yet some things remain the same : )

Submission can be so bittersweet.  Getting what you want, isn't always what you want....a phrase that probably only makes sense to some.   So here's a little story:

A long time switch opens up to their submissive needs. They could go the way some do and be bratty, and do anything to get attention, positive or negative.  A spanking is a spanking, the sub needs a spanking.  But a spanking isn't a spanking, there can be so many meanings derived by a spanking, but that is for another discussion.

The sub wants their Dominant to be that, Dominant.  Life has thrown a few obstacles in the way.  The sub wants a beating, some great sex, some tasks to accomplish.  Deciding that taking the "bad sub" way of getting a need met isn't right, the sub just continues to live life, waiting for an opportunity to come along.  While living life, the sub does something they want, but at the least opportune time to them, their Dominant decides to show autority and make a decision that does not go with the submissives plan.  Now what?

The submissive is upset because their plans were thwarted.  The submissive then realizes, that in a way they got what they wanted....the Dominant made a decision and made them follow it. 

There is more to this story, but in essense my thought is how funny life is sometimes.  In the end, the Dominant was correct in their decision, but will the submissive admit that or complain about what they feel they aren't getting?

What do you think?  What is the right thing to do?  I have lots of feelings, and as this blog progresses, watch out...it will be a tidalwave : )

~Puddles~

Into the depths...

"Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!" ~Eleanor Roosevelt

       I find this quote to be quite valid in my own life experiences.  We are forged in the fires of the hell in our own lives.  "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" so they say.  I endured much, but from what is seems these days, I actually suffered less than most. 
      I am the daughter of a Catholic Mother and an Alcoholic Father.  My father abused my mother and I.  My mother would get frustrated and I would get the brunt of that frustration.  My lil brother was just that, little...so he remembers none of it and endured none of it because even at a young age I protected him.  I would climb in his crib and night and hold him when I heard my parents yelling.  I endured sexual abuse that has to do with my father taking me to his "drug" parties and living in shelters with my Mom and brother after my parents divorced.  I honestly don't blame my mom, she did the best that she could for all of us.  She was ready to leave and so was I, and the last time I remember my parents fighting, my dad threw my mom against the wall and my brother was crying.  I remember throwing on my little brown cowgirl boots, looking my dad in the eye and saying I was leaving.  And I did.  I ran to a neighborhood friend's house and told his parents that they needed to call the cops and help my mom and brother. 
       The shelters weren't all that bad, had my first girl experience in one...not sure if that is what opened me to being bi-sexual, but either way it is terrible to look back and know that another little girl had been molested and that is how she knew to interact with others.  Maybe her experience put her in the lifestyle as well.  It is my opinion that at least 80% of the individuals in the BDSM lifestyle are here due to a psychological trauma that they need to work through, and I am not just talking about "daddy issues".
      Now, my mother is a hero of mine.  She still has her faith, she put herself through college with two young children and eventually found love and has a pretty great life.  I really look to her for inspiration when times are tough.
      Tough times came and went as I grew, looking back I see how I was affected.  I never lost my spirit or sense of humor, though I know I faked it to get by sometimes.  I learned to be charming, and it has been an asset.  I also learned to be Dominant to keep myself safe.  I like the sense of control that makes me feel stable and far from vulnerable to anyone.  I learned to take a beating and  give one. I stood up for what I believed, and I still do.  I know along the way though I have loved, lost and become more vulnerable. 
       I fought vulnerability for a long time.  No one saw me cry.  They saw happiness or anger, and from the anger came power and determination.  I was and still am good at making things happen when I am mad enough.  My firey hell is my own, and I have come through much, not unscathed but still experiencing the journey.  I have not turned off my emotions, I have not gone cold, I have not faked who I am.  I experience, I learn, I grow, for like a great forest, I must burn to make room for new growth.


~Puddles~

 

Dew drops....

"Which dreams indeed are ambition, for the very
substance of the ambitious is merely the shadow of a dream." --Shakespeare


I had a dream, I had many.  I HAVE MANY.  I am me, you don't know me, maybe you never will.  The way I am, the way I think, my emotions are mine, but here they are for you, drops of dew.  Fleeting, momentary thoughts, left for you before they evaporate into life.  These thoughts are all the doplets that make me, Puddles.

~Puddles~