Into the depths...

"Women are like teabags. We don't know our true strength until we are in hot water!" ~Eleanor Roosevelt

       I find this quote to be quite valid in my own life experiences.  We are forged in the fires of the hell in our own lives.  "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" so they say.  I endured much, but from what is seems these days, I actually suffered less than most. 
      I am the daughter of a Catholic Mother and an Alcoholic Father.  My father abused my mother and I.  My mother would get frustrated and I would get the brunt of that frustration.  My lil brother was just that, little...so he remembers none of it and endured none of it because even at a young age I protected him.  I would climb in his crib and night and hold him when I heard my parents yelling.  I endured sexual abuse that has to do with my father taking me to his "drug" parties and living in shelters with my Mom and brother after my parents divorced.  I honestly don't blame my mom, she did the best that she could for all of us.  She was ready to leave and so was I, and the last time I remember my parents fighting, my dad threw my mom against the wall and my brother was crying.  I remember throwing on my little brown cowgirl boots, looking my dad in the eye and saying I was leaving.  And I did.  I ran to a neighborhood friend's house and told his parents that they needed to call the cops and help my mom and brother. 
       The shelters weren't all that bad, had my first girl experience in one...not sure if that is what opened me to being bi-sexual, but either way it is terrible to look back and know that another little girl had been molested and that is how she knew to interact with others.  Maybe her experience put her in the lifestyle as well.  It is my opinion that at least 80% of the individuals in the BDSM lifestyle are here due to a psychological trauma that they need to work through, and I am not just talking about "daddy issues".
      Now, my mother is a hero of mine.  She still has her faith, she put herself through college with two young children and eventually found love and has a pretty great life.  I really look to her for inspiration when times are tough.
      Tough times came and went as I grew, looking back I see how I was affected.  I never lost my spirit or sense of humor, though I know I faked it to get by sometimes.  I learned to be charming, and it has been an asset.  I also learned to be Dominant to keep myself safe.  I like the sense of control that makes me feel stable and far from vulnerable to anyone.  I learned to take a beating and  give one. I stood up for what I believed, and I still do.  I know along the way though I have loved, lost and become more vulnerable. 
       I fought vulnerability for a long time.  No one saw me cry.  They saw happiness or anger, and from the anger came power and determination.  I was and still am good at making things happen when I am mad enough.  My firey hell is my own, and I have come through much, not unscathed but still experiencing the journey.  I have not turned off my emotions, I have not gone cold, I have not faked who I am.  I experience, I learn, I grow, for like a great forest, I must burn to make room for new growth.


~Puddles~