I am having serious issues getting my everyday *vanilla* life to blend and meet up with what I want from my D/s dynamice (BDSM) life. I figured, if I am having issues then maybe others are too, so this was the last assignment....to write down the way you are in everyday life, in your BDSM life and how those intersect...or ways you can get them to intersect to help find a balance.
I *absolutely* love and cherish my Dom and future husband. We have our similarities and our differences as everyone does. I really suck at asking for what I want or need. (based on being denied or told I was being selfish for asking for things in my past) I have been trained in BDSM and have very distinct views and cues. I play for keeps and not just for funsies. I have been badly burned by *poly* and would love to be cherished and honored in a monogamous marriage.....but we aren't married yet, so who knows.
We constantly discuss aspects of our lives, what bothers me in poly situations....well, I don't share well and I like things that are *DISTINCTLY* mine, because I haven't had that luxury in life much.
The other luxury I don't have is to be submissive and have my submissive needs met....and this is where I start to take a downward spiral. I don't need much, but I need something on a regular basis. I work, do family finances, planning a wedding, planning socials, taking care of kids, trying to be healthy and fit, home organizing (grocery lists, etc.)....I am constantly going...and when I am not....I am exhausted because I get up each nite with my daughter and then she is up for the day usually by 4:30-5am. I AM TIRED! I do all that I can, and my future husband is VERY helpful with housework and cooking....but damn it, I love cooking and wish I could do it...that would fulfill some of my *serving* needs.
By the time I get home from my yoga and shower, I am exhausted....and even though the baby has been asleep since before I left, and he has had hours to play that damn PS3....as much as I try to get his attention, I go to bed alone most nights these days. This is a huge deal because my ex's did the same thing...the video games always took presidence and I feel like something is wrong with me...why can't I get his attention and get what I need????? He says because I don't ask....TRUE....but why should I have to all the time....am I not enough that you would take your own time to make a move?? Well...no man makes a move at me anymore, not in our socials, bars, nothing. I have lost my appeal and sexiness from what I gather.
But my future husband hasn't. He is very sexy and a great guy....and the submissive girls flock. While I am taking care of our daughter, he is surrounded by women basking is all the attention he seems to have to give. I would sit at his feet if there was room...but no. And if I did, would he spend hours playing with my hair? DOUBT IT! cause I have tried! Scenes....do I get an hour long scene with warm up and cool down...NOPE! I feel rushed to orgasm, so he can get off and go to sleep....sometimes I just want to give up. WE used to have sex 5+ times a week...now 2012....4 times in 17 days (5 days of shark week included).
I know I am ranting, i am under a lot of pressure. I am planning a wedding, looking for a job....and my job seems to be the deteremining factor in SO many things right now....if we move, if we can afford a mini honeymoon, a big honeymoon or a honeymoon at all!! The things we want in life are on my shoulders, because he has a stable job. I am doing and making all the wedding stuff, decisions, purchases...blah blah blah.
I never talk bad about my future husband, and I feel bad even ranting about my awful feelings right now. I love him unconditionally! To the fullest. I never want someone to thing otherwise or think less of him or me or to try and come between us because they see a weakness in our fortress right now. I am just so full of emotion that I have to spew this goop out so I can sit back and really examine it.
What the fuck am I really upset about??
I want time to be submissive....I want attention....I want to feel loved and cherished.
I get him all the time...I know...but everyday life doesn't leave a lot of *us* time, let along play time. I am the lucky one that he has chosen to marry, I get to be cuddled at night, even if I am asleep when he cuddles me. I know deep down that he loves me, even if I don't understand how he shows it all the time. He shows it in being helpful around the house, which isn't a form I am used to dealing with. I have read the 5 love languages...and I am the mushy romantic type....gifts of service are harder for me to consider because I see it as something that *has* to be done anyway....yes I am glad I don't have to do it all, but it would have to be done regardless of whether i was there...it is running a house 101. It doesn't feel personal to me, the way a thoughtful statement or small token of appreciation does....hence why being submissive makes me feel loved and cared about....because his attention is all on me for that small amount of time.
I feel so bad writing all this...like physically ill. I need to stop...take a step back and see what I can find in this massive shit storm of my mind.
Thanks for bearing with me : )
Puddles
