6 week review

I have now been a Mrs. for 6 weeks : )   I have started my new career and it is deliciously cheesy!  I have traveled for work, as has my husband.  We have only been home together half of our marriage at this point, but we are still in love and the time away and forced us to continually up our communication skills and in the end, is very positive for us.

We are preparing to move to our new apartment......UGH!!!  I hate moving...I really just want to a nice house and to settle down :)  You know, I am old school.  I want the American dream of buying a great house (that is big enough for our future) and NEVER moving again......oh to dream.  We looked at homes in our area, but the market is so crazy, either low end needs lots of repair and old...or pretty high end....and we just don't make enough to do either.  I guess that makes us part of the lower middle class..

We are planning our honeymoon for this fall before my work gets really busy.  I am excited to see what we decide to do.  It won't be anything too expensive, just a start to our hopefully many trips together.  I am very excited to possibly do some international travel for work and for my husband to come along :)

Our children are growing, growing, growing.....our little girl walks, climbs, communicates.  The boys are finishing the school year, and will soon by 1st and 2nd graders.  This year I marked my 9th Mother's Day....I just can't believe that.

My health.....well, I feel fine, but my exercise and eating routine did not become habit and I can just tell that I have gained the weight and inches back.  I am very upset with myself, but plan to start again on June 1st!

Life is good, always a little rocky, but never too terrible.

I hope to keep a better posting timeline now.

31 days left!

31 days = 1 month

One month left before I am Mrs.   The only fears I have about the wedding are the little details, that I won't get my bouquet finished, the decorations won't be done right, the food, etc won't be right.  Just the little things.  I know we will get married, even if things don't fit right....we will have photos even if I look horrible...we will eat even if it doesn't look the way I would like or had imagined.  And that is him speaking...the calm one in our relationship.    I WANT:  I want cotton candy martinis, cupcakes of many colors on pedastles, great snacks, attractive drink area, to fit perfectly and lovely in my dress, to have all the words spoken correctly and with meaning.   DETAILS.

What matters is that he looks at me lovingly and I can see the VOWS in his eyes as he takes me as His forever!!   That he understands that I am with him for life, no matter what comes our way.  That our families, friends and especially our children see a loving relationship that they can grow in.  That I wake up that morning his fiance and go to sleep that night his wife.

I am so stressed about my work situation and I know that is making the little wedding details seem all that more HUGE.  I worry about our living situation if I can't find anything.  I cry that we won't have a honeymoon, when I just want a few days with him alone....we need it, we deserve it.  We love our family, but we just want a little time alone.

I worry about possible family tension during the wedding....or just random chaos that I can't control.  I don't want to be miserable and stressed on the day!

Lord help me get thru this : )

40 days : Daily reflections before I am MRS.

40 days left.  In a little over a month I will be Mrs. (again).  Oh the things I have come thru and learned since I was a Mrs.   I have been so excited, a bit stressed, a bit relieved.  I can honestly say that I have had COLD FEET!  I have discussed it with my Mr., we discuss pretty much everything....and wonderful change from the previous Mr's in my life.

I have enjoyed my singledom, my grey areas and certainly being His Fiance!  We have come through many obsticals already.  My love and respect grow for him constantly!  I know we have differences, and that isn't a breaking point for me.  My worries lie that something will be a breaking point for him!  I always worry that something won't be enough, or will be too much and will break our deal.  I know this is me, I know I can not let my fear create a self fulfilling prophecy!!!

I am excited to be His Mrs. in 40 days, to start our life as husband and wife, Dominant/submissive, equal partners and more.  He truly is my best friend!  He is more understanding of me, than I ever am of myself...or him, probably!  He doesnt' see my crazy the way i do.  He doesn't think I am selfish, and yet he is SO giving!!

Today our daughter turns 1!  One whole year of parenting together.  Tomorrow marks a year since he bought my engagement ring....I never knew...not for 6 weeks, that he wanted to take that step.  I remember before our daughter was born, worrying about being a single parent, then he stayed and expressed his love for myself and our daughter.  Then I remember thinking he was just around out of a sense of obligation...he is that kind of great guy!!  And then he popped the question.  No fancy words, no exciting plan, just the strong knowledge that he wanted me as his Forever, One time only Wife!  And I couldn't say no!  I knew I loved him and only hoped that we would continue to grow together, because I wanted to be his wife.

40 days and it will be so!

Lesson 2 - When to Venn......and VENT!

I am having serious issues getting my everyday *vanilla* life to blend and meet up with what I want from my D/s dynamice (BDSM) life.  I figured, if I am having issues then maybe others are too, so this was the last assignment....to write down the way you are in everyday life, in your BDSM life and how those intersect...or ways you can get them to intersect to help find a balance.

I *absolutely* love and cherish my Dom and future husband.  We have our similarities and our differences as everyone does.  I really suck at asking for what I want or need. (based on being denied or told I was being selfish for asking for things in my past)  I have been trained in BDSM and have very distinct views and cues.  I play for keeps and not just for funsies.  I have been badly burned by *poly* and would love to be cherished and honored in a monogamous marriage.....but we aren't married yet, so who knows.

We constantly discuss aspects of our lives, what bothers me in poly situations....well, I don't share well and I like things that are *DISTINCTLY* mine, because I haven't had that luxury in life much.

The other luxury I don't have is to be submissive and have my submissive needs met....and this is where I start to take a downward spiral.  I don't need much, but I need something on a regular basis.  I work, do family finances, planning a wedding, planning socials, taking care of kids, trying to be healthy and fit, home organizing (grocery lists, etc.)....I am constantly going...and when I am not....I am exhausted because I get up each nite with my daughter and then she is up for the day usually by 4:30-5am.  I AM TIRED!  I do all that I can, and my future husband is VERY helpful with housework and cooking....but damn it, I love cooking and wish I could do it...that would fulfill some of my *serving* needs.

By the time I get home from my yoga and shower, I am exhausted....and even though the baby has been asleep since before I left, and he has had hours to play that damn PS3....as much as I try to get his attention, I go to bed alone most nights these days.  This is a huge deal because my ex's did the same thing...the video games always took presidence and I feel like something is wrong with me...why can't I get his attention and get what I need?????   He says because I don't ask....TRUE....but why should I have to all the time....am I not enough that you would take your own time to make a move??  Well...no man makes a move at me anymore, not in our socials, bars, nothing.  I have lost my appeal and sexiness from what I gather.

But my future husband hasn't.  He is very sexy and a great guy....and the submissive girls flock.  While I am taking care of our daughter, he is surrounded by women basking is all the attention he seems to have to give.  I would sit at his feet if there was room...but no.  And if I did, would he spend hours playing with my hair? DOUBT IT!  cause I have tried!   Scenes....do I get an hour long scene with warm up and cool down...NOPE!   I feel rushed to orgasm, so he can get off and go to sleep....sometimes I just want to give up.  WE used to have sex 5+ times a week...now 2012....4 times in 17 days (5 days of shark week included). 

I know I am ranting, i am under a lot of pressure.  I am planning a wedding, looking for a job....and my job seems to be the deteremining factor in SO many things right now....if we move, if we can afford a mini honeymoon, a big honeymoon or a honeymoon at all!!   The things we want in life are on my shoulders, because he has a stable job.  I am doing and making all the wedding stuff, decisions, purchases...blah blah blah.

I never talk bad about my future husband, and I feel bad even ranting about my awful feelings right now.  I love him unconditionally!  To the fullest.  I never want someone to thing otherwise or think less of him or me or to try and come between us because they see a weakness in our fortress right now.  I am just so full of emotion that I have to spew this goop out so I can sit back and really examine it.

What the fuck am I really upset about??

I want time to be submissive....I want attention....I want to feel loved and cherished.

I get him all the time...I know...but everyday life doesn't leave a lot of *us* time, let along play time.  I am the lucky one that he has chosen to marry, I get to be cuddled at night, even if I am asleep when he cuddles me.  I know deep down that he loves me, even if I don't understand how he shows it all the time.  He shows it in being helpful around the house, which isn't a form I am used to dealing with.  I have read the 5 love languages...and I am the mushy romantic type....gifts of service are harder for me to consider because I see it as something that *has* to be done anyway....yes I am glad I don't have to do it all, but it would have to be done regardless of whether i was there...it is running a house 101.   It doesn't feel personal to me, the way a thoughtful statement or small token of appreciation does....hence why being submissive makes me feel loved and cared about....because his attention is all on me for that small amount of time.

I feel so bad writing all this...like physically ill.  I need to stop...take a step back and see what I can find in this massive shit storm of my mind.

Thanks for bearing with me : )

Puddles

2012 - Lesson 1

I am going to attemp to add some *muchness* to the BDSM group I help to lead.  I feel that as a social group and friends we are great, but we need to continue to grow in our dynamics and views....so since I am still exporing my submissive side, I am going to do all the assignments I am asking others to do from my own submissive standpoint.


Lesson 1:
*Start a BDSM journal or blog
*make a green, yellow, red activity list
*know your safeword


I have been journaling and blogging this stuff for years, but most of my time has been spent on what I like from a Domme perspective.  I am going to try to exclusively do these assignments from my sub side and see what I can learn.

So, I am going to start with *red*...that seems easiest

RED  (NO< NOT EVER<GO FUCK YOURSELF)
scat,vomit,anything seriously illegal, minors, serious edge play, golden showers anywhere above the waist, nipple clamps, anal stretching,animals, unitentional scaring, humiliation, corporal punishment,


YELLOW(NO<WELL MAYBE<OK I WILL TRY IT ONCE *OR* WOULD LOVE TO TRY)
bukkake, corner time, prolonged bondage, domestic servitude, role play, plugs, cutting, rape play, gang bangs, forced service, modification, furries, WAM, watersports, blood play, degredation(tasteful), enemas, branding,caging, corsets, fucking machines, medical play, interrigation play, suspension bondage, vaccum bed, waterboarding/bondage


GREEN(YES<LOVE IT<GIVE ME MORE)
lingerie/costumes, spankings, fisting, pussy slapping, breast slapping, face slapping (not too hard), rituals, bondage, caning, paddling, hair pulling, collars, wax play, violet wands, breath play/choking, biting, sensory deprivation/blindfolds, cock/ball worship, cunnilingus, discipline, masterbation, orgasm control, domesticity, fire cupping, knife play, Daddy/babygirl, anal sex, attention, ball gags, blow jobs,  chakra energy play, electro-play, gas masks, temperature play, size play, needle play, voyerism,


*** I know there has to be more, so as I think of things I will continue to list them


My safeword:
When not using the green, yellow, red  method.....is.........strawberry

The "Me" factor in life

Oh, it has been such a year of joy and change.  We are 4 months away from our wedding and our daughter is now old enough (9 months) that I feel okay leaving the house, with her in her Father's care and not worrying.

We still attend and help host Brookings Socials, I continue to do demos when I can.  I have been planning the Positive Body Image "Indulgence" Party for this Saturday for months and am very excited that I got 3 great guest speakers to come and talk to my girlfriends. (Deena from yoga-versity, Darlene the party lady (sex toys) and Lisa the bra lady ! )

I want to do more Domesticity events, but at the same time....I have a wedding I am planning.  I NEED help doing crafty things, i would love a 1950's Bachelorette party, I have a new found love for yoga and go almost every night. (after the baby is asleep, and then my fiance plays video games...good trade, we both get an hour to do what we enjoy alone!)

I sorta wish someone would want to plan an event for me, or even with me....I feel myself starting to pull away from lifestyle events because, we live it almost daily...I don't need events and don't really enjoy them like I did when I was single.  What I enjoy is having my "family" over...my lifestyle friends that are my friends because I like them outside of our kinky interests!  We had a thanksgiving gathering and I loved it!  We talked, ate, watched comedy and laughed.  There was no pressure to scene with anyone, i sat alone and stayed Dynamically neutral for once and it was nice.

I do enjoy having my Topping scenes, but I hate feeling like I am obligated just because as submissive is around.  I am submissive most of the time at home and I dont' get scenes everyday, but sure do appreciate it when I do get one.

i know I am just edgy with pre-wedding/current planning stresses.  Tis the Holiday season...so I will be cheery : )

Forgiveness

Finally after 3 years I have found some peace.  I can really move on.  I can forgive.

Oddly the realization came from embarking on a journey that hurt even to think  about.  After failed marriages and many hurt feelings in my past.....and after time to myself and finding ME again.  I chose to really fight ever being in another relationship, and then when I couldn't help myself (cause my man wouldn't take no for an answer ...ahah) that I would try to use everything I had learned and act differently, as obviously the past actions hadn't helped me.

So, I am more emotional, I communicate more, I stress less, I think hard about things before having and emotional response, I think for myself a lot more in general.  And the great thing is that my partner is more supportive than I ever thought possible.  He doesn't criticize me, my past, my emotions.  He is calm, he communicates, he listens and finds compromise with me.

We discussed certain "poly" aspects.  As we have a D/s relationship within our romantic relationship and we do like to have BDSM play with others, we questioned how far we wanted to take that.  We have experiemented, set new boundaries, communicated...baby baby steps.  Things haven't always worked the way we planned.  I have been hurt, my fears have been slightly validated.   But I kept on keeping on.

Recently we were invited to a kinky book club and the first book...The Ethical Slut.  Oh god, i didnt' want to read it.  But I have....and I am remember the way I feel...not the way my past has made me feel.  What are my true fears and what are based on past experiences.  And in this, I called my ex.  We had a great talk.  I was able to forgive him and myself.

I am so excited to keep moving forward with my loving fiance!

Puddles